How I became overweight & how I've turned it around & become truly happy!

This post is very personal to me but I feel it's time to let go of the past for good......I'm sorry if it's a bit erratic/all over the place!

To most of you I'm a very happy person. That is very true these days!
What most of you won't know about me is I used to be a disgraceful eater & dislike myself immensely!
I used to be very happy with my figure & myself, I used to wear short skirts - I still have my favourite one - it is a size 10. I showed it to my sister the other week & we both looked at it and went "wow" look how small I used to be!

When I was around 30 (back in 2006), my second engagement fell to pieces. I went off the rails (no pun intended for those who call me Raels) & went out drinking frequently (not water either!). This then turned into eating crap food on the way home from a night out with girlfriends, crap food to help the hangover the next day - OH and crap food for the rest of the week as I'd blown my diet anyway so who cares! And repeat. Again and again. I was eating take away almost every night of the week and not to mention chocolate or chips - whatever I could get my hands on really! My mentality was "Well I'm single now and have no one to answer to/cook for/watch my weight for" etc etc
I would wake up the next morning promising myself that today I'd be better, today I'd eat healthy, then the demons would take over & I'd be at the take out shop near work buying a fried spring roll & chips for lunch! I was in a very dark place for a couple of years & the subsequent years that followed found me trying to lose the weight but only to end up back where I started. I also had a couple more really crappy relationships during that time as well - I was a walking doormat - all too eager for anyone to stomp all over me.

I began to punish myself internally:

"I'm not good enough"
"No one wants to be with me"
"No one loves me so who cares if I put on weight"
"Even if I am being treated poorly, I'm still getting attention" etc etc I really could go on and on and on. Very low self worth back then.

I had huge support from family however it never felt like "enough" to stop me being out of control with my food or my feelings, thoughts and actions. I stayed home a lot as I didn't want people to see that I'd put on 15 or so kilos in 2 years. I felt so alone. I remember feeling so low one night & calling my sister who lives an hour away & having a big teary on the phone with her (best sister ever) and then her husband (best brother in law in the world) and I remember them telling me that they loved me & to just be patient and the right man would come along-back then it was all about being single. I put so much value on being in a relationship that when I became single, I didn't really know who I was anymore, which is the main reason I ended the second engagement anyway. I thought being in any kind of relationship would "fix" me.

I tried everything, self help books, cd's and counselling - the counselling did help immensely but I thought I could go it alone.....

In 2007 I got a puppy - Titch - and for the first time in ages I felt the stirrings of happiness, I had a little furkid who needed me - not as much as I needed him that's for sure. I look back & know that Titch was sent to me to "save me" as such - I wasn't even looking for an animal the day I found him & I wouldn't change a thing about the day that I brought him home without any preparation whatsoever - ebter emergency trip to pet shop for furkid accessories!

Roll on 2011 (and another dog later (Tara) from 2010 - Titchy needed a playmate lol) & my sister asks me if I want to be a trainer at a football club that she's head trainer at - sure - heaps of fun & I get to spend more time with some of my family every week. Not to mention there are men at football clubs wooh hoo. We had to wear all white - pants & polo top - not the best look when your butt has become the size of a baby elephants butt let me tell you. As for running on to the field to do first aid or run water - gee there were some mini earthquakes happening on a Saturday! I'd come home absolutely stuffed from being a trainer for 8 hours and the 2 hour return trip so I'd just have take away AGAIN-I'm not cooking when I've been working hard all day! I was getting exercise during the day but eating way more than what I'd burnt off - silly me! Enter shitty fling with hot football player that was pretty much over before it began-I was a trainer for 2 years & finished up at the end of 2012.

In May 2012 I hit rock bottom - I hadn't weighed myself in such a long time, but had been buying new bigger clothes, always with the view that "I won't need these for long, just until I lose some weight".  I'd been drinking a bit more again. I was lethargic all the time.

I jumped on the scales one morning to find an 8 in front of a 4 = WHAT????? 84.1kgs??? I've never been 80 anything in my life! I rang my sister & burst into tears and just spilled my guts. I knew I had to do something, I knew I had to change, but at the same time, I had no control, I wasn't strong enough to avoid crappy food or alcohol. I still remember that conversation - my wake up call - And then I came across the 12WBT. I signed up for Round 3 2012 & got all motivated again. I actually started cooking every night & exercising almost every day, losing 7.5kgs that round and making some wonderful new friends who are still in my life this day.

I got my weight down to 69.5kgs in May this year thanks to 2 more rounds of 12WBT (enter more wonderful new friends), and life was great again, I didn't care that I was still single, I was getting out and about again & enjoying life!
I didn't participate for another round as I was going overseas to Dallas, Texas for work. Big trouble over there - fatty food everywhere & even their "healthy" options weren't too good. I struggled to get fruit some days! I came home for 3 weeks before leaving for the second trip & it was much the same again, except I found my workplace had organised a whole heap more fruit & veg for us that time. My colleague who is quite thin also managed to put on weight! By the time I was finished with the work trips - I'd banged on 4.6kgs over the space of 8 weeks! Back to 74.1kgs - my goodness!!!!! That was mid August. Another work conference in September with the most delicious gourmet food & wine - of course I was going to enjoy it! A little too much perhaps....12 W B - what's it called? LOL

In the last 2 months, I have not been perfect. I signed up to Round 4 12WBT which started the week I was on holidays, then I came back & was unwell for a week & this week has been an "off" week as well. There have been times where I've had take away for dinner, chocolate in the evening. I've been very good with very limited alcohol though-apart from my holiday where I had a couple of cocktails each night. Yes, I completed my first half marathon & other fabulous events in October & November, but I still feel that if I don't get these feelings out of me, they will always be lurking, ready to pounce the next time I'm pondering KFC for dinner versus a Mishy 12WBT meal.

A lot of my issues with food & comfort eating used to stem from the fact that I have now been single for 4 years. I even had my Aunty ring me up one day & ask if I've met anyone yet and then said to me (& I quote) "You're best to set yourself up for a life alone by the looks of it". That comment absolutely ripped me to pieces - was I not worth anything unless I was in a relationship?! And from a family member - gee what must my friends who are in relationships think of me then?!

Bad times, very bad places mentally for around 5 years from 2006 to 2011.

For the most part of the last 18 months I value myself more than I ever have in my whole life. I am a good person. I try to be a good friend. I care about the people around me & enjoy seeing that they're happy. I'm thoughtful. I can be a total nutbag. I'm honest. I can laugh at myself without the feelings of self doubt afterwards. I love my life. I love that my calendar already has quite a few entries in it for 2014! I love that I can now look forward to the mystery man appearing - near future would be nice - but I have learnt that I need to love & respect myself (not being a "love me do" here) before I can expect to be in a relationship with someone who treats me the same way. I'm getting closer as I'm getting rid of the bad guys a lot quicker these days - one didn't even make it through a whole coffee date! I'm willing to compromise on small irrelevant things but not the things that are important to me. I love that the people around me support me & don't judge me or use me as a doormat - not that I would allow that behaviour these days! I have said goodbye to a few friends over the past 18 months as I realised that it was all about them & not mutually respectful friendships. I'm in a happy place.

My goal is to be back to 69.9kgs at least - by New Years Eve - I can do it, I've done it before. I'm over my cold bug so it's back to it - bring it on! I still have 9 weeks of the 12WBT left & I intend on smashing them to pieces!

Thanks for reading this - I already feel so much better for sharing the short version of my journey so far.